Breakfast Prospective

I was reading a friends blogspot yesterday and found that her blogging triggers some stuff. Maybe it's the hormones or the lack of sleep. But I had a moment. Let me explain briefly, she had a letter written to her from God. Then a list of 30 things as she approaches her 30th birthday. While reading it I realized first how different I am from many of my friends. That is not necessarily a bad thing. Just that my life took a different path, yet hers & mine crossed. Many of my friends who are near and dear are single. I often feel I live vicarious through them, especially when they take trips. I love to hear their stories. Yet, at the same time, they long for what I have. A family. I am not saying I would trade Emily for a 2 week kid free cruise or anything. (Even on those days.) But honestly, while reading her posts, I realized that I am right where God wants me to be. It brought in to light how precious breakfast in the morning. Sure it is a hassle, everyone wants something different. Clean up is a must and my food always tastes better then everyone Else's. So I have to share. If it is a hot meal, I don't get to it until it is cold and if it is cold, I get to eat when it is room temperature. But in the grand picture, it does not matter. How long do I have left before toasting frozen waffles or making a bowl of cereal is not super hero work? Years, weeks, days?? I mean serving the kids breakfast I get a round of applause and a big thank you mama. Soon enough, what I serve will get complaints or worst yet, they will make their own breakfast and I'll miss sitting with them every morning. Does that make any sense?
My friends list & letter was great. I called her that morning and thanked her for sharing, as I felt that a comment or email was too impersonal. When the only communication we maintain is via computer or texting....I feel I just needed to hear her voice. So I could hear her smile.
So, yeah...it may not seem like a life changing thing, but a new prospective on breakfast for this mom was much need.

Starting School and thinking

Today we let go and let T start Kindergarten at public school. Not that public school is bad, it's just he is so innocent. And yes, we do try to keep him away from the general population. As a parent you just want to keep them safe and away from harm. Not that public school is bad, it's just when Papa is a public school teacher, you tend to be maybe more conservative then others. So T gets up, eats breakfast, get dressed is ready to go in like 15 minutes. Papa takes him to school and T informs Papa, that he can just drop him off and he knows where to go. They grow up so fast. Next thing he'll be asking us to drop him off at the movies 2 blocks away. I don't even want to think about him not wanting to give us a good night or good bye hug & kiss.
T informed H & E that he had school this morning and that not to worry, he'll be back. He also told them not to cry as H was fussing in the crib. Nothing to do with him. But we did not want to break his heart. The girls might not miss him, but I know I do. It is awful quite without him.
Seems that everyone is having babies and it is starting to make me more excited to meet baby #4. I have less then a month, I think and then he'll make a grand entrance like all the others.
And if you are thinking of asking us if we're done......please don't. Keep your thoughts to your self. Please. If God chooses to bless us again, great~if not then okay too. However, we kind of have a time frame....we'll be done when I am 35. That seems like a good cut off point for us.

it's been 6 months!

Life sure keeps me busy. It has been 6 months since I last did any blogging. Maybe cause I think it does not matter, or I really don't want to sound like a whiner. What ever the case-the kiddos are growing. T is finishing up Pre-K and can't wait for Kindergarten. He really likes school and loves playing with his friend. He is excited for Sept. because he is going to be a big brother again. He tells every one-every where we go "we're going to have a new baby, it's a boy!" Well, T the baby part is true, but the little brother part is yet to be known. I hope he does not get too disappointed if it's a girl. I am planning to take him to my next few appointments, May 17 & 22. Maybe we'll know something at the 22nd....
E is 3 and is a big girl. She is a lot like her Papa. She wants to go to school, but I think we'll wait until she is 4. She is getting tall and thin. Still walks on the tippy toes! H is 1 year and 4 months. She tries to hang out and do what everyone else is doing. She my little ball of love.
We did the Angel Baby walk this past Saturday. I think I cried for the first mile. And it took the second mile to pull myself together. This walk is a fundraiser for Hinds Hospice-the Angel Baby is the babies who pasted away.....they have a web site. It's a good thing. Well, I walked it first-last year for the babies I lost in March 2006. It was not so bad-as I held Hannah the whole time and she was 3 months old. This time I walked with Keith, as T & E could walk themselves and H was pushed by Grandma. It was hard because I have an Angel Baby inside me......In Feb. we saw 2 heart beats. By the end of March only one heart was beating and the other was lifeless inside me. We had been going every week and every week we saw the baby moving and kicking and the other just there. It sucks. It is hard and it makes every appointment a dreaded task. We are now at the point when we going monthly. May is my first monthly appointment. I pray there will be no more disappointment. My heart has broken twice....I don't think I can do it again. I know that I am blessed with 3 wonderful kids and loving husband, however, something inside you just aches all the time and it never really goes away.
It hard to talk about it and harder to talk to people who are going to have twins about the same time I am due. But I did tell her. Not to bring the mood down, but just as an update, as she is the only one I did not tell. Not like we are close or ever have been. But I just felt the need.
May I suggest that when someone has a heart break, speaking for myself, don't tell me that God has a plan. I already know this. I am not being rude, but honest. I know He has a plan....just say that sucks and that you'll keep us in your prayers.
Maybe I am being a jerk, but having gone through it twice now, I have learn people can say some pretty dumb things. Sometime just a hug is enough and words are not a must.
Now that I have vented, I feel a little better. I am happy for others, really I am. I just have to grieve in my own way and it is my right to take as long as I need. No one can tell me when I could/should feel better. Enough said!
Work is busy. Thanks Bush and the stimulus plan.
Keith is again out of work come the next school year. It is better, Kerman sucks and it is a far drive. With gas prices and what we pay a sitter, I am should he will find something closer. He has too. God WILL PROVIDE!
Other than that, my house is a mess, like always. WE are getting thing together for T's 5 birthday party on the 26th. Seems like we are always on the go. One weekend I want to stay in my jammies all day Saturday and put them back on after church on Sunday. I can dream, can't I??

it has been a very long time

It have been a long time....Happy Thanksgiving! I have so much to be thankful for. A little has change. Work work-Keith is out at Kerman middle school. Thomas is in Pre-school and reminds me every day he is ready for kindergarten. Emily is still in the process of letting go of Binky and potty training has not caught on. Hannah is 9 1/2 months old. And still a great baby. Walter is well in his group home. Kevin is no long in our home. We have set rules and he continues to break them. He has put my family in a sort of danger. He ran away for the last time and we ask other family to step up and take over. They have. He is a sad little boy who needs help. We did what we thought was best. Now we have to let go and let God. He has to make the decisions; he is of age, 14, we cannot live our lives around him. We did what was best for our family. Looking forward to repairing and moving on. Christmas is around the corner. We are looking forward to the future & what God has planned.

Short-family update

Camping was a blast. The kidds were covering in dirt from head to toe. E refused to wear shoes and sap covered her feet and protected, for the most, from mos splinters. At one point non Saturday, when Keith took the boys fishing, we filled a large bucket with water and baby shampoo gave her a sponge to 'play' with. She went to town and a few hours later most of the dirt and sap was gone. T had fun fishing and on the boat. He liked it the most when grandma drove, 'cause she drived fast.' We think Kevin had fun. We asked and got the teenager response of a nod. We truly had a great time with grandma and Auntie. I laughed so hard that weekend. It was great. I laugh just thinking about it. It feels good.
H is growing she is just under 15 lbs. She got a little something when we got back and the worst is over. She is almost all better. Still a happy, good, sweet girl.
Turning 32 did not hurt, yet. Not like I feel any different. No grey hair, yet. I guess aging is not so hard. Acting my age is a whole other story.
Leaving the kids to go to work is hard. They are so fun and they make me laugh. However, could do without E striping down to her birthday suit every 20 minutes.
Some one asked what AUR is it is Automated Under Reporting-in English it is document matching. Matching what is on the return with what is in our system. Not exactly fun & exciting, but it pays the bills.
Keith told me this weekend he does want another kid, I asked him with who?? I asked him to give me a little more time. I don't think I have adjusted yet to the new normal imposed by baby #3. Also the fear of having an another industrious E. I don't think we could hang.
Nothing yet on Keith J O B. Still waiting and praying. I know God will provide something soon. He promised. Take care!

JULY!

This month I will be celebrating the 3rd anniversary of my 29th birthday. I am okay with this. If I had to say if it was good, bad or ugly, I would would honesty answer as good. Without the bad I would have nothing to compare it to and without the ugly, I would have missed out on all the glorious things that God has brought me through. He has and continues to bring me through and provide me with blessing after blessing.
Maybe one day I will find time to write it down so that my kids could read it as adults as see how Great God is and how wonderful He makes life. Maybe I'll right it for myself. Maybe.
I struggle with finding time for myself and when I do I feel guilty. I think of all the thing I could & should be doing. I hope to find that balance soon.
The kiddos:
T is good and is all boy. He looks like a boy and reminds me daily that he is not a baby any more. At church camp he wanted to play catch with Kevin, but he would not let him. So I told T to tell him that he throws like a girl. T turns to me mortified, "you can't throw girls mama, you'll get in trouble."
E is a handful. She'll be a dancer one day. I have no doubt that she'll be a star. She loves putting on show with singing & dancing. She even stops to clap and laugh at herself.
H is great. Still the best baby I ever had. She likes being a baby. She is such a chunk. Her legs are so big I can't get my fingers to touch. He little arms have rolls that have rolls. Her checks are so squeezable.
I love being a mom and wife. It's the best job I ever signed up for. It is also the hardest. But I love it.
Kevin is okay. It is summer and he is hanging in there. Not much to report, which is a blessing.
Keith is still on the hunt for the J O B, but I know that God is in control and has the perfect job for him. He has had an offer, but nothing official.
We are going on a family camping trip tomorrow. This is all the kids first family camp. My mom and sister are going to join us too. I hope it is good and we can do it more often. We are also going to plan a Yosemite trip in the fall to. I am glad to see my family more often. I like spending time with them. It is also great for the kids. Even if it is only weekends.
I think that I might be over the overwhelmed post-partum feelings. I have stopped taking the 'Happy' pills. I think that we are going to pray about another baby. Maybe not now, but in the future. So we are working on getting healthy. We're taking baby steps toward a life style change and so far so good. It will take time as all good things do.
Take care.

Half way through the year already!

I can believe how time goes by fast. We are already in June. T is done with Pre-School for the year. He was pretty broke up about school being over. So we are counting down for it to start again. E is getting so girlie. I have no idea where she gets it. It's like she is hard wired for pink and girl stuff. However, she knows how to make truck noises with the best of them. H is still the perfect baby. She makes it so easy. She still sleeps through the night and is still lazy. She likes the baby thing. Makes me think about another, why not, I have 3, whats one more!!LOL!!
Keith is done with school today. He's still looking for next school year. He has summer school to tie him over for now.
Kevin finished the 8th grade today. He has a plan for high school-work hard and get it done fast! Good plan. We got him a Fossil watch for a gift. Thought it would be a good start for high school.
I am good. Work, well, I am here now. Bord to death in AUR. I often doze off. Maybe I should see a DR? I read a book this weekend, the first in a long time. The Road. I cried the last two pages. This is pretty good. I also am reading Dancing in the Arms of God.
I am going to confess, so please...confidence, as much as posting it on a blog will get me. Anyways, I am struggle with thing. 1-I know God has the perfect job for Keith. I know He will provide. I KNOW! But I often doubt and play the 'what if' game. I guess I am scared that if I trust Him completely, I'll be let down. I struggle with this and I am having a hard time over coming it. 2-I am struggling with my self-image. How I see myself, how Keith & the kids see me, how the world see me. Since getting pregnant the first time I have gained about 75 pounds. From October of 2002, my lowest weight since like 8th grade to now. I think it happen mostly at work, I can't seem to keep things (food) out of my mouth and gum doesn't seem to work. 3-I am feeling disconnected from my church family. We just don't seem to be a family any more. It's like we are too consumed with life. I know we need the support and interaction with them. I know they do too, you can see it on their faces. That tired look parents get from not getting a break from parenting. 4-I am struggling with my closeness. I often feel so far from God. I find myself doing the arrow prayer thing, you know, shooting up prayers throughout the day. I just don't feel like our life is reflecting His love to the world. What have I done to serve Him lately? Have I showed His love today?? That kind of stuff. I feel distant. 5-I miss my husband! I can't even tell you the last time he held me. Or the last time we just laid in bed and talked about stuff. Or ever the last time we just talked about us, not the kids or cars or money, but us. Who we are, who Keith is and who Mandy is. It is almost like we take each other for granted. After 10 years we hardly have time for us. I hope that it can only get better. I miss him, I miss his touch. At this rate a #4 is impossible. 6-Finally, my family. I think it is official. I am he only sane one left. Good for me. I think.
It is late and I have to go home now. Take care!