Full Arms

Ever wake up in the morning and have that feeling?
This was that day.

When I get to heaven my arms will be full. I will hold you and cuddle with you. You will always hold a special place in my heart.
I read that in a book that when you loose a baby you get to hold them forever in heaven. I must be true. Lord knows that I don't have enough arms here on earth to hold T&E, let alone W&K all they want or all I want.
I know God has a plan. But it still hurts.

As T told me today when I came home from the DR's, 'it's okay mama, everything will be fine.' And he gave me a hug & kiss.
Pretty smart for a little kid.

Tomorrow is another day.

PRAY PRAY PRAY! I Hope that God reads blogs.

Okay....Saturday's test-my numbers went up. This is very good. Still spotting. DR called to tell me that numbers look good. So, they sent me to have an ultra sound. Which shows that I am about 5 weeks along and at this early of a stage that is all it can show. Oh, one other thing, that there are possibly 2. So please pray that the bleeding will stop. Pray that the babies will thrive & grow. Pray that the rest of the pregnancy will be uneventful. Pray for calm hearts for Keith & I. Pray that God's will is done and we accept it. I know He will never give us too much that we can't handle. I KNOW THIS! I also know this I HAVE NO CONTROL over this situation. It is all HIM. He knows every thing about us before we are born. Please Keep us in your prayers.
I go tomorrow for another hormone test. As long as my numbers go up and there is no cramping, we're good. If my numbers go down, then it is just a matter of time.
I must confess, I am scared. I have no control over this situation. But I also know that GOD is my loving Father who will forever take care of me. He knows what is best for me. He knows everything before it happens.
Father,
I thank you for saving me out of the gutter of life and for bring me into your righteousness. God, you created me for your will. To do your work. You accept me with all my flaws and quarks. Father, you love me. I want to do your will in my life. I want to reflect you in all I do & say. I want to be pleasing to you My Lord. Your love never fails me, even when I do. I am unworthy of all the forgiveness you give me. For this I thank you. I AM TRULY BLESSED!
I thank you for my wonderful and loving husband, who you made just for me, to fill in where I fail. I AM TRULY BLESSED! I thank you for my beautiful children, who are just fantastic. They are proof to me every day that you love me. I AM TRULY BLESSED! I thank you for my home, car, job, food and all the things you provide for my daily life. I AM TRULY BLESSED! I thank you for good friends who I know will pray with me and will hold me up and be there for me no matter what. I AM TRULY BLESSED! Lord, you know my heart and the condition that it is in right now. Lord, as I sit here and type, praying you all ready know what is going to happen. For this, I AM TRULY BLESSED!

Why denial?

It has not been a great week, or good for that matter.

I took 5 different tests and passed them all.
Happy news right? It should be. Not that I don't want another baby, just that my body is being weird. I have been spotting since Saturday.
I have taken 2 blood tests now. First one-prego for sure, good levels. Second one this morning. The levels have dropped some.
I go again Saturday for another. Monday they will call me and let me know. If nothing happens and spotting stops, we should be fine.
Or-something happens. And I AM NOT READY FOR THAT! This stuff happens to other people. I AM NOT OTHER PEOPLE! I DON'T WANT TO BE OTHER PEOPLE. I LIKE BORING!!
God, please please please let me stop and everything go good. Give me peace, calm my heart. Help us get through this. Help us understand and accept Your will for our lives. I know that You will not put us through anything without giving us what we need to make it out closer to You.

Hives suck.
So do poopie diapers.
Please stop raining, so my kids can play outside!
E, stop taking you oneies off through the head hole.
T, please start telling me when you have to got pottie.
W, Stop stealing!
K, start apologizing to that girl at school.
Keith, GO TAKE A COLD COLD shower!!!!

Denial

I am in Denial. Enough said!!!

Life Today

T & E grow grow grow. I learn so much from them.
Trust, unconditional love, discipline, and how fun big hug really are.
Keith is looking for a job, he is finishing out his contract. I learn perseverance from him and how not to handle a check book. We have a struggle over who pays bills. For years, we both sat down and did it. Often I would fill in the rest. In his loving husband way he wants to help alleviate some of the stress I have. He wants me to trust him to pay bills and take care of the money. Trust I have, for him. Money is a whole other issue. So as the good wife I struggle to be, I let it go and let him take charge. He has been incharge for the whole month of March and I have not died yet. I am proud of him. But I think I liked it better when we did it together.

K & W are ok. Aside from the normal teenage junk with K, we are good. W is ok so far this week. Still struggling with him and baby toys finding their way into his pockets before school. CVRC is going to start seeing him. They are doing a home visit March 30 @ 330.
Court: GO restraining orders for the next 3 year against Carole & Angel. Keith goes back to AGAIN April 17. Some paper work issues.

For me: work is still busy. There are not enough hours in the day to get stuff done. I try not to give too much love time. I much rather spend time with my family.

Children are a blessing.

Sorry it has been so long.
I started a Temp Job as a manager and I have had zero time. Running on empty.
Not much is happening.
Boys are about the same.
Keith was ask NOT to return to West Fresno as a teacher. So, he's looking. Again!
Work in busy.
E is walking, talking growing and cute as a button. She like to talk on the phone while walking around. She helps me put on my socks & shoe for work, almost every time. Such a big helper.
T is such a boy. Little heart breaker. He started telling me & grandma & papa that he loves us. He is REALLY into Thomas the Tank Engine. He knows all the train names and what they are feeling. It really cute. I think he wants to be a train when he grows up.

Court was Monday. They'd lost paper work, so we had to redo some stuff. Now we hurry up and wait.
Mean while SHE came back to CA. Early Feb. She said stuff and to be blunt, I got a restraining order against her & she devil. I go to court for that this Thursday.

Feeling a little like I am on auto drive. Feeling distant from everything. Feeling a little forgotten at times. I remind myself God is in control. Hoping for a spiritual kick start that does not hurt too bad.
I am all tapped out.
night night