Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Same ole same ole

Can't seem to get out of this funk. I thought by now I could. Some days are better then others. I don't understand why I can't feel better. Why can't I just snap out of it? I'm tired. I mad. I'm sad. I'm bitter. What is it? I just want it to all be over.
I'm done.

God,
I don't feel like you have heard me for a while now. So this is how it's going to be. Fine. I quit. I am done. I don't know what else to do. I call out to you for comfort and I get nothing. I call out to you in pain and nothing. I call out to you to feel love and nothing. I see your work all around me, but I don't see them in my heart. My heart is empty and I just can't any more. So this is it. Fine. When ever you are ready, I am sure you'll find me. But don't expect much. I don't have much left.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I have not cried yet today, but at this end , I will

I found this, thought it was good, but thought a little more, so I reworded a few things:
This is the orginal
A Mother's Prayer/ Affirmation After Miscarriage
In this time of loss I call upon my spirit within to guide me to my strength so that I may find peace and completion.
I will use this strength to demand of myself and others my need to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to healing.
During my time of grief I will seek guidance not only from my inner spirit but from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort.
I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attentio to this. I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely.
I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence.
In spite of my new knowledge that things happen that cannot be controlled, I must call upon the places within me that tell me I do have control over much of my life and use this control to aid my healing.
Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly.
Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me.
Let me find healing in the belief that this soul knew my love for it and that that love helped it to pass to another place.
Let me honor this short life not only with my love but in finding meaning in its existence.
Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion and sisterhood to other women who've experienced loss.
Let a part of this soul be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know it through them.
I will listen to and trust the place in my deepest heart that tells me I will once again be reunited with this soul and will fulfill the need to hold it in my arms.
I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.
by Stacey Dinner-Levin

This is how I changed it
In this time of loss I call upon the Lord to guide me to my strength so that I may find peace and completion.
I will use this strength to demand of myself and others my need to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to healing.
During my time of grief I will seek guidance not only from my LORD but from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort.
I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attention to this. I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely.
I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence.
In spite of my new knowledge that things happen that cannot be controlled, I must call upon the places within me that tell me I do have control over much of my life and use this control to aid my healing.
Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly.
Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me.
Let me find healing in the belief that these souls knew my love for them and that that love helped them to pass to another place.
Let me honor these short lives not only with my love but in finding meaning in their existence.
Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion and sisterhood to other women who've experienced loss.
Let parts of these souls be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know them through them.
I will listen to and trust in the Lord in that He tells me I will once again be reunited with these souls and will fulfill the need to hold them both in my arms.
I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there are two stars in heaven that belong to me.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

And if you ask

Life hurts and that sucks.

I feel so bitter and angry.
I feel so empty and sad.
I feel guilty and greedy.

When I see pregnant women, my heart just crumbles a little more and I just want to cry.
This was not supposed to happen. I want my babies back.
I hate not having had control over this situation.

I am so numb.
I just want to feel again.
Happiness seems so hard to get.
I can't even get out of bed.
I drag myself to work, I just don't seem to be able to care.
I just want to curl up and die.

And if you ask,
I'll tell you:
I am doing fine.

Life sucks, and that hurts!